I was driving up to Tobermory this morning and got hit with the remnants of a the flu that I'm just getting over. There were no washrooms open because it's the off-season, and by the time I got through Ferndale I was clenching my butt cheeks worried that the next fart would cause me to shit my pants violently.
Driving about 130k,/hr I made it to the parking lot for the Lindsay Trails, leapt out of the van and shuffled about 20 m into the open deciduous woods. Sweat dripped down my face with each step as I struggled to prevent a shart. I was in close view of the parking lot and Highway 6, but it was still fairly dark and I was dressed in dark clothing, so there was little chance I'd be seen. Regardless, I couldn't possibly go another step without crapping myself.
As I dropped my pants and assumed the position, the explosion created instantaneous relief. Unfortunately, when I crouched down, it activated the panic alarm on the keys in my pocket and the van started honking loudly and shone the headlights directly on me. A few cars passed by while this happened. I can only hope nobody saw!
That's how my day started; but thankfully, I never sharted!
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